*Opening scene: slow, sad country song, crooning about some lost lonely feeling, sweeping view of camera equipment, notebooks full of sketches, wires, hard drives, CDs, white boards littered with checklists (crap, I forgot to buy toothpaste again), and finally settles to a girl, early 20's, propped against pillows on a make-shift full size bed, the hazy blue glow of the light from her laptop settling on her concentrated face. Tune picks up pace to a bouncy ballad of "screw you" affections*
Motivation hasn't quite been my forte for the last couple of weeks. After moving in with my marine roommates, I lazed, I lulled, I stared at my computer screen for literally HOURS, my mind floating from a made-up conversation I'm having with a client who JUST. WON'T. LEAVE. To improvements I could make to the condo, and wondering how long I'm going to pretend I actually have a sense of interior design - or as the guys call it - "a woman's touch." I hike up my soccer shorts, adjust my PAO dry fit, and try to ignore the construction humming along on the street directly below my window (which has the bad habit of leaving a layer of Carolina Clay on my Toyota). I had a million, literally A MILLION ideas buzzing around in my head, the slideshow scaping across my mental corneas varying everywhere from fantasy photoshoots to poster designs to a really advanced flash movie featuring flying letters and synchronized animations to linkin park and eminem meshed ballads. And I played. But I never really did have the concentration to focus my energies on sitting down and cranking out the tough big girl stuff.
I blamed it on my ADD. (La la la la la) Reality is that it probably had a lot to do with it. But as it turns out, not having anything at all figured out, having literally NOTHING that is for sure, concrete, set in stone, not half a clue where I'll be in six months, what I'll be doing, or who will be major players in my life... it's kind of intimidating. And, as it turns out, it becomes increasingly more difficult to crank out anything productive when your brain wanders to eighteen other things at one time every occasion that you open the file entitled "big girl job." (*jots down a note to change the title of that document before exporting to employers*)
Lucky for me, I had a shitastic labor day weekend. And, strangely enough, this whirlwind that robbed me of the one thing I felt I had going for me in the positive direction as far as "growing up" goes, kinda slapped me on the forehead. With a nine iron. And then punched me in the gut. And threw mud in my face and pushed me into a sinkhole. And made me climb my way back out of it again. With the supportive words from good friends, a long talk with my mommy (yea I know, big girl), and a day on the beach with my sister, I realized that the only person responsible for my happiness is me. And the Adderall isn't going to change that.
So, in the last two days of a headachey, Adderall-boosted motivated me, I've booked a total of 15 hours of design into the new portfolio. And with just a couple final tweaks, it will be ready for send-off. I have a goal scribbled across my white board (it's actually lime green): APPLY TO 5 JOBS by MONDAY!!!! It's underlined, and circled, and outlined in pretty colors (Adderall can only do so much), and I even have an angry-faced doodle on it that reminds me of an asian baby sucking on a lemon. I've named him Fido. Buddha seemed a little racist....
Cranking up the country stations on Pandora, I'm letting the soft croons remind me of the PAO girl at Fort Knox, who had the world at her feet. Hello, world. I just came to say hi. Oh, and suck it.
...If that's ok with you.
